What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 08:12
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
How do I run away? I'm 15 and live in Oklahoma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
What are the differences between promotions and sales?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Where did the false claim that Haitian immigrants are eating pets come from?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Is deconstruct sunscreen good for a 16-year-old girl?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was 9 years of age.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why did i forgive my father ?
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was in good health!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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But it wasn’t much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She loved him until the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I have no regrets .
So whats the point in blame.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
I was very sick at this time too.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Comes on , in middle age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We all went to grammer schools
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My family never makes their pension either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I said to her
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!